He would be 3 Today! I have not talked publicly about this until today! This day marks his third birthday and I am more at peace today than in the first year of his passing . Time really heals. Nonetheless, I can’t help but imagine how big he would be today and how my life would have been with him around.
March 30th 2015 I lost my precious baby boy, Jediel– the name I never got to call him. It broke my heart to think I had a healthy pregnancy and I lost him due to the carelessness of the nurses at the clinic. I was just left numb and confused. Nothing made sense to me at all. My family and friends were there for me. Church mates were there for me, they encouraged me. For the first weeks and perhaps months, everybody’s words were just bouncing off my ears.
I needed someone to blame. The nurses more than ever yes! But I felt I needed more. A part of me blamed God! The only God I had to run to for comfort. There were so many unanswered questions in my mind I was in a battlefield. I embarked on a journey to find answers in the word of God, I needed to understand what he really says about death, about children dying. I searched for articles on the Internet in order for me to understand more, to know where my baby was. I clang to this for weeks, but it left me even confused because of my approach to it.
Now, because I could not find the answers I wanted I began to withdraw myself from the only thing that could have held me together- God. Only to find comfort in the things that would eventually destroy me. I suffered from panic attacks especially on his first birthday. It was then I realised that I needed to rise. I knew what I had to do. I had to trace myself back to God. The only one who knows more than I do. I went back to His word. This time with an open mind, ready to be comforted by Him. He did not fail me! He never does!
The word of God is true, it is deep and needs understanding when one searches through it. With human understanding one can never unravel its mysteries.
God Himself is mystery. He always makes a way out! He speaks all the time, we just stop listening at times. His love and mercies endures forever!
Ephesians 6:4 (ESV)
-Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
It is Gods original plan that a family must consist of a father, a mother and THEIR children. God instituted marriage and wants children to be born in a marital home. A successful home gives rise to a successful community and nation. God is all knowing, and He knew that in this framework of a mother, father and their children, there would definitely be some sort of balance. But, in this era we live in, especially in our country, we find ourselves in sad situations. Today’s generation is literally a fatherless generation. It has become the norm. As such the original framework of a family has been stripped away. It is definitely the devils number one weapon to break the family because in doing so he has managed to break the community and the nation respectively. Women raise children on their own, in fact, most children are born to teenagers who do not have the capability to raise and provide for their children. Moreover, our r women go into marriage with a child or children from previous relationships, they have evolved into playing the role of the father; something that they were not created for. Today’s children lack the bond of a father, the love of a father and the discipline of a father. No wonder our children are so adrift. They grow up to be aimless fathers too.
I must say, I salute fathers out there who have not abandoned their role. Fathers who have fulfilled and honored God’s plan for a family. Those that have soberly carried out their responsibilities as fathers. And secondly I salute the so called step fathers. Men who have taken upon their shoulders, the duty that another man failed. Men who have opened their arms to care for children who are not theirs.
Ephesians 6:4(b) but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Above and beyond providing and protecting, fathers are given a role to discipline and instruct their children. God must have instilled something in them for Him to give them this instruction. So what really then happens to all children who are single handedly raised by their mothers? Children who grow up without the first hand instruction and discipline of their fathers? Single mothers have now become the providers, the caretakers and they also have to do the disciplining. But we have to ask ourselves if it is really effective. I will also add that, there are women out there who have raise well-mannered and responsible children. They have gone to great lengths to train and raise these children well.
Personally I grew up under the care of my mother. She singles handedly raised me and my brothers the best way she could. Unfortunately, the time I decided I want to go on a search for my father he had passed away. I never got to see him, never had a relationship with him. When my mother got married I was over 17 years and I was a teen mom raising a child with her.
At that time, I was clueless how a father is to be handled, how to respect him and how to answer to him. It definitely was strange; his ways were strange. He was the intruder. I guess this is how most children who grew up without a father would feel. And in most cases, no body prepares you for it. You just have to accept it and live on. It is not supposed to be so. As a young woman I had to bring myself to the terms that I also am going to raise a child by myself and be married to a man who is not his biological father. And when I finally got married, my son must have also seen this mans ways as strange. I have seen it here and there. In this situation the discipline of the step father is rejected. There is a missing link, no instant bond. The friction may take a while but eventually things fall into place with patience, prayer and understanding the obstacles can be overcome. And for single mothers who do not end up getting married, it becomes a vicious cycle. They raise children who never get a fatherhood experience. The children also grow up to be clueless fathers. They do not have any training and cannot effectively train their own children!
The proverbs of Solomon are full of encouragement to the son; that they should not despise a fathers rebuke and instruction. Both the natural father and god; our spiritual father. The bible actually states that following the teachings of the Father will prolong our lives. So there is preservation of life for those who follow the instruction of their fathers.
Fathers were also once sons. They have learnt from their fathers and are simply to transfer that knowledge and wisdom to us as children. Proverbs 4:1-27 is one of the powerful heartfelt scriptures that demonstrates a fathers instruction to a son. Note her that son does not necessarily mean the boy child. Son here also include the girl child.
Truly something has to be done. Our Nation is raising unstable leaders. We have to retrace our steps back to God. Back to the way He wanted things to be. I thank God because he gave me a husband who fears him. A husband who was raised by a father that also fears God. Though challenges arise, one way or the other we always find a balance in God.
However, this is not the case with many people. We have surely derailed from the plan of God and He is the only one who can show us the sure way. God can help us save the upcoming generations. The cycle has to break and we have to embrace a way that does not fail. This way is the way of God. God does not fail.
Entry #1- expectations Vs Reality
Its almost five years since I got married to my husband. I must say, it has been the most significant time of my life. As I ponder on my experience in this blissful covenant so far, I am more thankful to God for sustaining us and leading us on a daily basis. He really is the third chord in this union. Even though at times we go ahead of Him or derail from His word, He has always been ready to take us back on track upon repentance.
I now have come to appreciate that when I got into this covenant, I had some expectations that have not surfaced even up to today. Expectations about life, expectations about my spouse and about myself as well(some being very unrealistic expectations). Reality struck me in so many areas of my life. I saw myself fail on areas that I had initially thought I would sail though. I got disappointed here and there. I wished I could change somethings about me, and my husband.
The big lesson for me was realising that I could not do anything out of God’s word and still maintain peace. I need his strength every day. He has a plan bigger than my own expectations. He allows certain situations to happen for my own good even though I may not perceive it at that time. He separates me from places and people I do not need. Basically I had to learn to lean on him, to place my burden upon him and let him guide me. I learnt to allow the Word of God to correct and rebuke me. As painful as it is at times, I always rise up in the end.
Now, I am able to see the bigger picture. I count my blessing today on this Valentine’s day. My beautiful family is my pride and joy. Home is where my husband is😍