He would be 3 Today! I have not talked publicly about this until today! This day marks his third birthday and I am more at peace today than in the first year of his passing . Time really heals. Nonetheless, I can’t help but imagine how big he would be today and how my life would have been with him around.
March 30th 2015 I lost my precious baby boy, Jediel– the name I never got to call him. It broke my heart to think I had a healthy pregnancy and I lost him due to the carelessness of the nurses at the clinic. I was just left numb and confused. Nothing made sense to me at all. My family and friends were there for me. Church mates were there for me, they encouraged me. For the first weeks and perhaps months, everybody’s words were just bouncing off my ears.
I needed someone to blame. The nurses more than ever yes! But I felt I needed more. A part of me blamed God! The only God I had to run to for comfort. There were so many unanswered questions in my mind I was in a battlefield. I embarked on a journey to find answers in the word of God, I needed to understand what he really says about death, about children dying. I searched for articles on the Internet in order for me to understand more, to know where my baby was. I clang to this for weeks, but it left me even confused because of my approach to it.
Now, because I could not find the answers I wanted I began to withdraw myself from the only thing that could have held me together- God. Only to find comfort in the things that would eventually destroy me. I suffered from panic attacks especially on his first birthday. It was then I realised that I needed to rise. I knew what I had to do. I had to trace myself back to God. The only one who knows more than I do. I went back to His word. This time with an open mind, ready to be comforted by Him. He did not fail me! He never does!
The word of God is true, it is deep and needs understanding when one searches through it. With human understanding one can never unravel its mysteries.
God Himself is mystery. He always makes a way out! He speaks all the time, we just stop listening at times. His love and mercies endures forever!