Our life is a matter of choices. One a daily basis we make choices, whether simple or complex. The decisions we make today may affect us tomorrow positively or negatively. Therefore great thought has to go into making complex choices about our lives. It is here that one has to put aside pleasing people because we are the ones that hold the pen of our lives.
If you were to choose between turning the pages or closing the book, what will you choose? As for me I will choose to just turn the page. I will not close the book yet, because the moment I close the book it means my journey has ended. It means I have quit. I would rather just turn the pages so that I can still be able to know and experience what the next chapter has for me. Some people may opt to close the book just because something bad happened, and I think it is a huge mistake.
Life has different chapters and one bad chapter does not mean its the end of the book. When one door closes another door of opportunity opens. Yes, you may be experiencing sad and miserable chapters, you may be hurting and losing all hope, but you will not be spending your entire life in that unhappy state. Life goes on. If you will choose to close the book, you will never be able to know the ending. So why close the entire book if you can still turn the pages? We are free to make our choices in life but we need to be very careful in choosing. Some things happen to teach us lessons and to learn from it; not to give us reasons to give up. Have hope and see the light in the future.
In my previous post we explored the traits of a narcissist, today we learn on how we can deal with such people in our relationships. Living with a narcissistic person can be extremely trying. So, what can you do if you find yourself in a close relationship with someone with narcissistic tendencies?
But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.
2 Timothy 3:1-5
The number one step is to recognise the traits either in your spouse or yourself and how you have been responding to it. Perhaps you have been responding to a narcissistic individual aggressively and without patience. Perhaps you have been unloving and withdrawing. This is unlikely to help the situation. Step back and reflect on the situation
Pride is a reason people do not feel they need a savior or forgiveness. Pride tells them they are “good” people or have a “good” heart. Pride also blinds people to their own personal responsibility and accountability for sin. Narcissism (pride) masks sin, whereas the gospel reveals the truth that leads to remorse for sin. Narcissistic traits can be dangerous because, at their worst, they will lead a person to destroy others to satisfy the lust of the flesh (2 Timothy 3:2-8).
Second, stop criticizing and start encouraging solutions. Encourage them to repent and develop a strong relationship with Christ. The further we withdraw from Christ the more we tend to develop negative habits. Labeling in this situation won’t help anything, neither will criticizing them. Instead of criticizing, isolate specific issues you wish to change and enlist your mate in working with you to change them—one at a time. Keep a positive focus, pray for them and use your strengths in solving problems.
Third, attack the problem, not the person. Learn to separate the person from the problem. When we get born again, God does not see sin in us, he sees us as perfect and sin is seperate from us. So, Choose a particular aspect of the narcissistic traits and encourage him/her to work on the problem with you. For example, if you don’t feel heard, ask them to practice listening techniques with you.
Fourth, set healthy boundaries. When the narcissist in your life tries to manipulate what you say, gently stop them and speak in a calm manner. When they attempt to twist your words, gently set a boundary. Speak up so you are both heard and so there is mutuality in your marriage. Do not get angry during discussions as this will only make the situation worse.
Fifth, develop a prayerful life together. Praying together will draw you even more closer and expose the things that feeds the negative behavior. Learn to handle everything with prayer first before you can discuss it. Let the word of God reign in your hearts so as you can easily meditate on it. This will help to deal with the problem from the root. It will restore the thought pattern of the narccisist. The word of God says “as a man thinketh so is he”
Finally, seek professional help. A little bit of narcissism in a marriage can be toxic and emotionally draining. The narcissistic individual is likely to be overly sensitive, over-reacting to minor slights and becoming overly aggressive in response to these slights. Professionals can help you build a safe relationship where issues can be managed and resolved.
Try all these suggested tips and reply back if you find them helpful.
Its amazing just how much abuse is in relationships these days and it almost or always goes unnoticed just because it is not physical. Yes emotional abuse is very real and is the number one should I say weapon that people use against one another in relationships.
A lot of people have unpleasant personalities whether learnt or generically acquired. Most of this personalities go unnoticed and or not dealt with and such people go into committed relationships. Now you can only imagine the kind of relationships they will lead.
Emotional abuse can leave one very stressed, wounded and down cast. If not dealt with the victim will end up being depleted emotionally, mentally, spiritually and probably financially and then get blamed for it.
One unnoticed and unpleasant personality is NARCISSISTIC Personality Disorder. Not many people are diagnosed many are carriers if I must say. The characteristics of this personality are so obvious and one does not need a microscope to see them in their spouse or anybody they know. Before I talk about these taunting traits I must say I have seen this sickness and have even tasted it. It takes great strength and help from God to help yourself and the people you love ones you discover whether you or your spouse has the “disorder”.
A narcissist’s behavior is characterized by an exagerated feeling of self importance, an excessive need for self admiration and lack of empathy. They are loving, kind and generous until you disagree with them. You will go from being the perfect love of their lives to nothing you dois ever good enough amd you will give out your all but receive less or nothing in return.
# They constantly put you down and leave you feeling like you cannot do anything right
# You find yourself explaining the basic elements of human respect -they play dumb when they are caught
# They blame you for their shortcomings. They focus on your mistakes and ignore their own
# Never admit they are wrong- They are blame shifters, one minute you talk about something they did wrong and 59 minutes they talk about all you have ever done wrong in your life.
# Subjects you to silent treatment. They wait for you to apologies even if you did not do anything wrong
# Avoids emotions and accountability
# Instills doubt and fear in you. They are the master and you the subject.
# Rages if anybody challenges them. When they cannot control you anymore they turn other people against you.
These were just a few examples. Most of which we have experienced one way or the other in our relationships.
Take a close look and check if you or your spouse has the above traits.
In my next blog post I will share on how we can deal with this personality “disorder”. God is able.
You have brought down kings and brought shame to the queen’s palace. Thrones have been shaken and kingdoms destroyed.
You have seperated the strongest bonds and severed the deepest relations. You are heartless! The mighty cannot escape from you!
For a moment you seem right, you seem true but only poison springs from your wells. You deceive the elect!
You are silent and deadly, you seperate people from their God. Even God resists the ones that entertain you. He cannot be in the same place with you! No!
Your aim is pure destruction, without mercy you scatter the works of love. I have seen your works, I have tasted the bitterness of your friendship, I quit!
Where you pass only Ashes and broken hearts remain. Your sting is stronger than that of a serpent.
What medicine must I take to sooth the pains of your touch? How must I separate myself from you?
By the Sword I will separate myself from you. By the Word that is ever true. I will hold on to humility and I will uphold my maker forever. My heart will I guard forever!
Love will take your place in my heart. It will brake that seemingly strong bond. I will die to myself, yes! and arise in Christ! Grace is sufficient!
Never again will I hold on to vanity! I quit.
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.
An intense preoccupation with the self is an indication of the presence of pride. When everything seems to revolve around you. “ME, MYSELF AND I”.
Pride clouds judgment. It births lies and God resists such people because they feel they do not need anyone and that anyone includes God. For those who feel that they need God in their lives there is humility where they highly esteem God and esteem others as well.
It because of pride that Lucifer lost his place in heaven. Eve also because of pride, ate the forbidden fruit and she and her husband were led away from the garden of Eden. They both fell from grace and there was a separation between them and God.
James 4:6 says that
More often we let pride creep in our relationships and our marriages. Love and pride cannot be in one place. The presence of love purely means the absence of pride.
Because of pride one can never find it easy to admit to their wrong let alone apologies. It destroys relationships.
Today, if you will humble yourself before God, He will exalt you. Choose now to humble yourself before the mighty hand of God because there is wisdom in true humility and people tend to gravitate toward humble people. So too does God.
As much as it appalling to see the pressures that society has on humanity especially the children of God, it is more flabbergasting to see just how easy it is for us to simply conform. The ability for us to defend what we believe in and who we are has plunged to the ground. It has become the norm that we please people around us more than act on the word of God and hold on to its decrees.
The word of God has everything that we would want to know. It covers every erea of our lives from finances, parenting, marriage, work, just to name a few, but more often than not we chose to follow what the masses are doing. We do a Google search more than we open the bible on that issue. We consult a friend and social media and trust their word until we fail miserably then we trace our steps back to the Word. Back to squre one.
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
God undeniably knew the dangers here. He had to. He is all knowing. He knew just how being compliant to the desires of the world would be harmful for us. We cannot be in compliance with the world and with God at the same time. We can only serve one master. At any given point you conform to the desires of the world, you are at that time not connected to the word of God.
“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.
I have been the biggest victim here. Going places I should not be going even though I knew I might end up doing what I am not supposed to do. Buying some things that I thought I needed at the expense of my tithes just to fit in. Then the devourer would extinguish the little that I have left. This list is extensive. I am sure all of us can put down a few things that we did or are still doing that the word of God has cautioned us against. Knowing the truth is always binding because our conscience will remind us of what is right and whst is wrong . God himself said He can not tempt us with what we can not come out of.
Today is the time to go back to His word- the master plan for our lives. Draw out of it the verdicts for every are of your life. Ask Him for the strength to follow his decrees. He is a present help in times of trouble.
Beg to differ! Do not be ashamed of choosing wisdom. It is profitable to direct. Be the odd one out if means anything. Let God be true and all men liars.
He would be 3 Today! I have not talked publicly about this until today! This day marks his third birthday and I am more at peace today than in the first year of his passing . Time really heals. Nonetheless, I can’t help but imagine how big he would be today and how my life would have been with him around.
March 30th 2015 I lost my precious baby boy, Jediel– the name I never got to call him. It broke my heart to think I had a healthy pregnancy and I lost him due to the carelessness of the nurses at the clinic. I was just left numb and confused. Nothing made sense to me at all. My family and friends were there for me. Church mates were there for me, they encouraged me. For the first weeks and perhaps months, everybody’s words were just bouncing off my ears.
I needed someone to blame. The nurses more than ever yes! But I felt I needed more. A part of me blamed God! The only God I had to run to for comfort. There were so many unanswered questions in my mind I was in a battlefield. I embarked on a journey to find answers in the word of God, I needed to understand what he really says about death, about children dying. I searched for articles on the Internet in order for me to understand more, to know where my baby was. I clang to this for weeks, but it left me even confused because of my approach to it.
Now, because I could not find the answers I wanted I began to withdraw myself from the only thing that could have held me together- God. Only to find comfort in the things that would eventually destroy me. I suffered from panic attacks especially on his first birthday. It was then I realised that I needed to rise. I knew what I had to do. I had to trace myself back to God. The only one who knows more than I do. I went back to His word. This time with an open mind, ready to be comforted by Him. He did not fail me! He never does!
The word of God is true, it is deep and needs understanding when one searches through it. With human understanding one can never unravel its mysteries.
God Himself is mystery. He always makes a way out! He speaks all the time, we just stop listening at times. His love and mercies endures forever!
Ephesians 6:4 (ESV)
-Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
It is Gods original plan that a family must consist of a father, a mother and THEIR children. God instituted marriage and wants children to be born in a marital home. A successful home gives rise to a successful community and nation. God is all knowing, and He knew that in this framework of a mother, father and their children, there would definitely be some sort of balance. But, in this era we live in, especially in our country, we find ourselves in sad situations. Today’s generation is literally a fatherless generation. It has become the norm. As such the original framework of a family has been stripped away. It is definitely the devils number one weapon to break the family because in doing so he has managed to break the community and the nation respectively. Women raise children on their own, in fact, most children are born to teenagers who do not have the capability to raise and provide for their children. Moreover, our r women go into marriage with a child or children from previous relationships, they have evolved into playing the role of the father; something that they were not created for. Today’s children lack the bond of a father, the love of a father and the discipline of a father. No wonder our children are so adrift. They grow up to be aimless fathers too.
I must say, I salute fathers out there who have not abandoned their role. Fathers who have fulfilled and honored God’s plan for a family. Those that have soberly carried out their responsibilities as fathers. And secondly I salute the so called step fathers. Men who have taken upon their shoulders, the duty that another man failed. Men who have opened their arms to care for children who are not theirs.
Ephesians 6:4(b) but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Above and beyond providing and protecting, fathers are given a role to discipline and instruct their children. God must have instilled something in them for Him to give them this instruction. So what really then happens to all children who are single handedly raised by their mothers? Children who grow up without the first hand instruction and discipline of their fathers? Single mothers have now become the providers, the caretakers and they also have to do the disciplining. But we have to ask ourselves if it is really effective. I will also add that, there are women out there who have raise well-mannered and responsible children. They have gone to great lengths to train and raise these children well.
Personally I grew up under the care of my mother. She singles handedly raised me and my brothers the best way she could. Unfortunately, the time I decided I want to go on a search for my father he had passed away. I never got to see him, never had a relationship with him. When my mother got married I was over 17 years and I was a teen mom raising a child with her.
At that time, I was clueless how a father is to be handled, how to respect him and how to answer to him. It definitely was strange; his ways were strange. He was the intruder. I guess this is how most children who grew up without a father would feel. And in most cases, no body prepares you for it. You just have to accept it and live on. It is not supposed to be so. As a young woman I had to bring myself to the terms that I also am going to raise a child by myself and be married to a man who is not his biological father. And when I finally got married, my son must have also seen this mans ways as strange. I have seen it here and there. In this situation the discipline of the step father is rejected. There is a missing link, no instant bond. The friction may take a while but eventually things fall into place with patience, prayer and understanding the obstacles can be overcome. And for single mothers who do not end up getting married, it becomes a vicious cycle. They raise children who never get a fatherhood experience. The children also grow up to be clueless fathers. They do not have any training and cannot effectively train their own children!
The proverbs of Solomon are full of encouragement to the son; that they should not despise a fathers rebuke and instruction. Both the natural father and god; our spiritual father. The bible actually states that following the teachings of the Father will prolong our lives. So there is preservation of life for those who follow the instruction of their fathers.
Fathers were also once sons. They have learnt from their fathers and are simply to transfer that knowledge and wisdom to us as children. Proverbs 4:1-27 is one of the powerful heartfelt scriptures that demonstrates a fathers instruction to a son. Note her that son does not necessarily mean the boy child. Son here also include the girl child.
Truly something has to be done. Our Nation is raising unstable leaders. We have to retrace our steps back to God. Back to the way He wanted things to be. I thank God because he gave me a husband who fears him. A husband who was raised by a father that also fears God. Though challenges arise, one way or the other we always find a balance in God.
However, this is not the case with many people. We have surely derailed from the plan of God and He is the only one who can show us the sure way. God can help us save the upcoming generations. The cycle has to break and we have to embrace a way that does not fail. This way is the way of God. God does not fail.
Entry #1- expectations Vs Reality
Its almost five years since I got married to my husband. I must say, it has been the most significant time of my life. As I ponder on my experience in this blissful covenant so far, I am more thankful to God for sustaining us and leading us on a daily basis. He really is the third chord in this union. Even though at times we go ahead of Him or derail from His word, He has always been ready to take us back on track upon repentance.
I now have come to appreciate that when I got into this covenant, I had some expectations that have not surfaced even up to today. Expectations about life, expectations about my spouse and about myself as well(some being very unrealistic expectations). Reality struck me in so many areas of my life. I saw myself fail on areas that I had initially thought I would sail though. I got disappointed here and there. I wished I could change somethings about me, and my husband.
The big lesson for me was realising that I could not do anything out of God’s word and still maintain peace. I need his strength every day. He has a plan bigger than my own expectations. He allows certain situations to happen for my own good even though I may not perceive it at that time. He separates me from places and people I do not need. Basically I had to learn to lean on him, to place my burden upon him and let him guide me. I learnt to allow the Word of God to correct and rebuke me. As painful as it is at times, I always rise up in the end.
Now, I am able to see the bigger picture. I count my blessing today on this Valentine’s day. My beautiful family is my pride and joy. Home is where my husband is😍